My cups runneth over

Ask most women what they look forward to most in pregnancy and they will tell you it’s the boobie fairy. This magical being comes in the middle of the night sometime early in the first trimester and adds an extra cup size whilst the mother-to-be lies in slumber. The boobie fairy returns many months later and does her thang all over again when a new mom’s milk comes in.

Now, in a world of logic and reason, the boobie fairy would bestows her full blessings upon smaller-chested women, while larger-chested women would gain, say, half a cup size. After all, pregnancy is hard on the back as it is!

However, in the real world, where chaos prevails, the boobie fairy has seen fit to add to my already ample bosom not half a cup size, not a full cup size, but TWO full cup sizes. That means that the salesgirl at Victoria’s Secret has to go back to the sample room to find a bra in my new, outlandishly large size. Which, just so you know, is so capacious that it could easily serve double duty as a support garment for my behind. (And I know, because I tested my theory.)

If “What to Expect” is correct, I can expect to add another cup size after the birth. I will then have to shop in specialty bra stores, where 700-pounders and heavily-augmented strippers buy cup sizes we’ve never heard of, and in whose windows hang brassieres that could easily pass for porch swings.

I realize that this is a natural and normal thing, but for goodness sake — how much milk can one tiny baby need? These things aren’t bottles or even jugs; they’re kegs!

Meanwhile, some other woman is probably sitting around, still a AA cup at three months and wondering where that capricious little fairy is …

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